Name of film – Troll Hunter (2010)
Lizard film – 026
Chosen by – Mashiter
Date – November 2018
Director – André Øvredal
Starring – Otto Jespersen, Hans Morten Hansen, Tomas Alf Larsen, Johanna Mørck, Knut Nærum, Robert Stoltenberg, Glenn Erland Tosterud
Duration – 103 mins
Genre – Drama, Fantasy, Horror, Foreign
Summary –
Whilst investigating a series of suspicious bear killings, a group of students track a mysterious ‘hunter’ who wants nothing to do with them and attempts to shake them off his trail. Sheer persistence leads the group right to the prey he is trying to hunt which they soon learn are far more dangerous and mystical creatures than mere bears.
Troll Hunter is a thrilling and wildly entertaining ride where secrets are uncovered thought only to exist in fairy tales.
JONES’ SCORE & REVIEW
ACTING – 7
DIRECTING – 9
SCORE/AUDIO – 8
CINEMATOGRAPHY – 8
ENTERTAINMENT – 7
TOTAL – 39/50 = 78% ***
This wasn’t to be your typical scary flick served up on a plate with the expected ingredients of a sprinkle of shock and a splatter of horror. Director, Øvredal was going for a more arty, stylistic approach and that was welcomed as I settled down for the next few hours to see what Mashiter had pulled out of the vault for us to study.
The first few minutes see us following a bunch of students trying to track down the bear poucher. When they finally meet him for the first time and shove a microphone in front of his grizzly face, a simple “Get lost” follows. The looks of Rik Payne and the bluntless of Jeremy Ochepko – what a charming cunt! He was about as friendly as the White Lion landlord when Mash was spotted walking in. The young hopefuls decided to keep stalking him and even followed him onto a ferry. Not has such short shrift has been witnessed since Jabba was in Craig’s company and nobody else got a look in – simply belitting! An interesting start. You’ve got my attention!
“Do you think Michael Moore gave up after the first try?”
I liked the amateur filming and this was certainly no Blair Witch project camera skills. It didn’t feel like a horror, but more of a Nat Geo documentary. My 65 inch TV was soon being abused as it was dominated by an embarrassment of a vehicle pulling a box you could loosely describe as a caravan. I’ve not seen such a shitter set of wheels on the roads since Chris ‘the gimp’ Smith spluttered past me in his fuckin’ “Tommy” climbing up the hill to Kelsick. Fuck the three of you in that order – Smith, Tommy and Kelsick.
The roads could have easily been the stretch from Windermere station to Ambleside. Wet, windy, but with the beautiful landscape peeking through the misty atmosphere as Mashiter, Dreyer and Jones head excitedly for another all dayer. These students were on a different mission though. Whilst we’d be filling our faces with pork pies and shooting arrows in the Golden Rule, these grimrods certainly had their minds on other things. The movie was unusually warming up. I really couldn’t predict where this film was going, only 10 minutes in.
“If we run into a bunch of inbred pig farmers, your ass is first!”
These weedy, over enthusiastic teenagers seemed to be putting themselves right in danger every time they followed the Zak Dingle lookalike named Hans. He suddenly screams, “Troll!!!” as he darts passed them in his army gear. It looks like these snooping young pups should have stayed in their student digs and had a Pot Noodle and wank instead. Now they were literally in yeti territory. Thomas was first to get it as Hans patched him back up. Sadly for them (not me) their car was a true right off. At least the loner weird guy took them under his wing. He now had all the cards and ran the show and the students had to do what he demanded. Funny how opinions change so quickly as the bearded fella was now the one I’m backing. The immature teens were gonna be troll fodder if they didn’t get with the programme.
Half an hour in, we first get a glimpse of a troll. We are introduced to Tosserlad. Interesting name. On them grounds, I’ve met many trolls in my life. A three headed lanky twat who isn’t happy. If footballers, Peter Crouch, Ian Ormondroyd and Kevin Francis decided to go for a walk in the forest together, then maybe we’d come close to seeing such freakiness. Even though the troll was about as frightening as the BFG, the audio really came into play here as the sounds of the fantasy creature were scarier than the appearance. It was well made and certainly put “Dog Soldiers” back in its basket. Switching to night mode gave the three headed troll a scarier look, but to be fair, we’ve been toughened up since our CMC days – afterall, if this troll with a trio of faces had walked into The Overdraught one Friday evening, we wouldn’t have batted an eyelid. It would have been in the presence of many swamp donkeys we were use to. Sadly, when the bright lights of the barn came on at 1am, none of them mingers turned to stone, unlike Tosserlad. Meanwhile, we are sidetracked as we witness Johanna running out of the trees having an orgasm and wetting her knickers with excitement over their first troll experience. It’s clearly just a fun game to them.
“I once saw a troll try to eat it’s own tail. His head between his legs, he tried to suck down his own tail. He started gagging on it, tipped over and rolled down a hill like a wheel.”
You couldn’t criticise this film for being bland. We were next introduced to a group of trolls. They looked like Leslie Joseph wearing a minx coat and about as scary as the gorgs in Fraggle Rock. As they hide for cover beyond the rocks, these Jew looking giant Captain Cavemans with penis shaped noses, are now blocking their exit whilst they rancidly fart from their back entrances. What the fuck is going on?
“- In fairy tales, trolls wear clothes and talk like people – they’re just like people.
– Fairy tales are for kids. Trolls are animals. Predators. They eat, shit and mate. Eat anything they can.”
The third and final troll who emerged from the snowy backdrop resembled Steve Chambers stepping out off the shower after his knackering performance in his final dance piece in the first year. Scary stuff.
It’s not been the easiest movie to review. A 2 hour road trip with detours into Norwegian woods. Horror? More like a fantasy documentary. Different? Yes. Interesting? To a point but not gripping as not much happens. However, it was snappy and I liked the crude editing to push the film on a bit. So although the entertainment was a little disappointing, I thoroughly respected and liked the techniques used to produce “Troll Hunter”. Moments like the small camera effect we had endure for a few minutes as we have to wait for a new camera lady to arrive, was really clever.
“- Why are you so nervous?
– I’m Christian
– We’re going to die!
– Damn!”
The DVD cover wasn’t a true reflection on what would follow. You’d feel cheated as a 13 year old browsing through the shelves at Blockbusters if you ended choosing this video. Never judge a troll by its cover. You might have wanted blood and guts, but you would soon realise you were renting out a feature about as scary as “ALF” or “Harry and the Hendersons” for a few nights. It wasn’t remotely scary. The Sunday Mirror said, “the best monster movie since Jurassic Park”. I disagree. Maybe since Gosford Park!
DREYER’S SCORE & REVIEW
ACTING – 7
DIRECTING – 8
SCORE/AUDIO – 7
CINEMATOGRAPHY – 8
ENTERTAINMENT – 6
TOTAL – 36/50 = 72% ***
Not my cup of tea…neither was Blair Witch!
ACTING 70%
DIRECTING 85%
SCORE/AUDIO 75%
CINEMATOGRAPHY 80%
ENTERTAINMENT 65%
TOTAL SCORE 75%
(RJ – 78% RD – 72%)
*** 3 STAR LIZARDMAN RATING ***
Lizardman Film Club 